Perplex'd in the extreme

So, I don't know what to think. You know how it's a cliche saying about how it's impossible to tell what the opposite sex is thinking? Complete bullshit. I find it impossible to find what someone from my own gender is thinking. 

I know the gay thing screws it up a bit, but seriously.... it's not some weird male/female mumbo-jumbo about how were wired differently. Maybe you just can't see how the other person is thinking, because you're attracted to them, and you don't want to know, unless it's good and it's real. 

So this great, sailing-through the skies crush I have is not all it's cracked up to be. Mostly, it's just confusing. One week, it's great, and next week..... who the fuck knows? I don't even know if we're friends at the moment. He's full of shit.

But that barely changes anything, and just makes this feeling so much worse. I've been trying to play it cool with him. I had a motive for the cold shoulder, though I doubt he knows it. Apparently, according to one of my loud mouth friends who cannot keep secrets, X complained about me. 

Okay, granted it was a small and irrelevant detail, but I still felt really crap. This happened on a day when he was absent from school, so I had a while to seethe about it. And I decided to play it cold. 

Okay, and I've also been wondering if the whole playing hard to get thing might be true. I know it's childish and "so-fucking-high-school" but hey, I'm new at this. And it kind of worked too.... well, for the first day. Or at least for most of it. He kept trying to talk to me more, and eventually I talked back and it was good again. 

I mean, it's not exactly like I was blowing him off - I still spoke when I was spoken too. I just tried to put reigns on the 13 year old girl that seems to take over my brain whenever I'm near him. Speaking of that, my 13 year old sister has a crush on him. So I take that as proof of said hotness. 

And now, that we established friendliness again, he seems to have gone cold on ME, again. I have no idea what to think anymore. Maybe it's just today. You don't really have to pay attention to each and every friend every single day all the time, do you? I have to kick myself out of the immediate assumption that he's gay and crushing on me. 

 But the thing is, even if he's straight (or, I'll prepare myself for the possibility, gay and not really attracted to ME) I wouldn't just move on and forget him. He's actually a great guy - probably the only guy from our group that I could EVER see myself being close to. I mean, obviously I'd be disappointed, but I'd still want to be his friend. And I'd hope he'd be a decent enough guy - which I'm certain he is - to actually accept me. 

But still, I don't know what to do. I wish he would just say something. Or at least call me and try to do something. But, from what I can gather, he's even more of a hermit than I am. I know I should call him, but what the hell for? I'm terrible at making up excuses. And the last time I texted him (So I could get some program - that was the official excuse) he didn't even reply, which kinda sucked. I just want to know him better. 

People online tell me just feel him out about things like if he's gay, or if he's okay with it. But how the hell can I feel him out about stuff like that when I barely even really know who he is? I just feel like the ball is always in his court. 

I have this issue - sometimes I feel that people don't like me, and then I back off. On the upside, I've never been told that I'm an annoying person. On the downside, I don't actually have a real best friend at school. So, I don't know. In an ideal world, we'd end up somewhere together alone, have a dramatic and slightly emotional conversation charged with subtexts, and he'd push me up against the wall and kiss me, and I'd kiss him back. 

I kind of blame United States of Tara for this little fantasy. There's that bit where Marshall kisses Jason in episode 9. I know it's lame, wanting something from a TV show, but I've just been waiting so long. I really want that kind of totally hot, romantic moment. But I guess that's just wishful thinking.

OB: 

FFS, did I really make the title of this an Othello reference? Have I always been such a Shakespeare nerd? Also, fixed spelling/grammar, and minor word choice, for clarity.

So... I have this crush

On this TOTALLY cute guy! OMG!!!! Heheheh. 

That's not exactly the whole story, nor the way I'd express it. 

I'm kinda falling for my friend, who's recently becoming something like my best friend, and I'm sure it's not a good idea. Officially, he's "straight", but then again, officially(and at the moment), so am I. 

Let's call him X(For a few reasons, all personal, except for the one about anonymity), and he's mega-cute. Not your jock, muscle-man, model kind of guy, but.... definitely cute. Face-wise - Blond, blue eyed, great nose, full lips. Body-wise - Broad shouldered, average weight, pale as the undriven snow, strong arms.

Very nice combination, altogether. So anyway, I got back from visiting my dad for the holidays, and I was so planning contacting him, and finding some excuse to see him (We don't usually hang out that much). But, being lazy, loner, holiday-mode me, I didn't get around to it.

So basically, I found myself on the last day of holiday, still not having seen him at all, which kinda sucked. I had woken up semi-early to try and get myself back into my usual sleeping hours, and work out and maybe ride my bike along the beach. Neither really happened, so I was just sitting around watching pirated series' on my computer when X phoned me. 

He asked me for help with some of the homework we had been given (Yup, over the holidays. Harsh huh?), which, funnily enough, I hadn't gotten around to either. So, being just as lazy as him, I decided hey, I could help him, it might motivate me. It didn't, really. We tried, but we kept trailing off, and just talking instead. 

During which he said to me, that I was the only one of the group that he could really "have a conversation with." Okay, to be fair, that is very true. I'll talk about our group of friends at some later point, but trust me, the only one is spot on. I told him (I think) that he was also the only one in the group that I could have conversations with. 

It's pretty awesome to realise that though, and that he said it first. While were doing "science" (As he said to his mom every time she phoned him - which was a strangely large amount of times) it basically degenerated into him wanting to play Final Fantasy X, which he's never played. (I would like to thank both Square Enix and Fate here) 

So, during this, he invited me out to movies. To Harry Potter, actually, which he had already seen. First we got food, which was fun.... ish. I get stupid around him.... for obvious reasons. Anyway, I didn't make too much of an idiot of myself. 

So, we still had time, and we went to the book store. That was weird. He doesn't read a lot, but he was being so interested in the books. I wondered if it was just because I was there. I read a lot, and it's something everyone knows. He probably reads about 2 books a year, while I read about 50. So it seemed strange, like he was doing it just because I was with him. 

Anyway, We went to the movie, and.... it was great. I tried to talk to him a bit... and I did... but for the most part... it was Harry Potter. I'm like a mega-fan, and this one was particularly awesome. So.... it went okay. Like a movie should. 

For any hopeless romantics out there, NO, I couldn't snog him right there in the movie house. For reasons both of unknown sexual orientation and homophobic society, which I hope are self-evident. And, of course, I'd be missing Harry! After that, we went home and I thanked him (Maybe a few too many times, but I managed to make him laugh) 

And he got his stuff (Including the Harry Potter book I lent him - again with the out-of-character reading) and we said goodbye, and he left. At which point I found out my younger stepsister has a crush on him too, but she'll have to beat me there. 

Stuff has being happening at school too. Half the groups been absent this week, so he's been sitting next to me more often than usual. And at break the other day, he came to find me. Oh, and I let him borrow my copy of Final Fantasy, which he came over to my house and chilled with me a bit when he got it. 

In class today (one where I sat next to him) I was really bored, and drowsy. So, while the teacher was rattling off, I put my head down on my crossed arms. I was facing him, then I opened my eyes, and I swore he quickly looked away from me. 

I just dismissed that, but when it happened again..... I dunno. Then, at break, he asked me if I had plans for the weekend, and I told him, in not so many words, hell no. He didn't really offer to do anything though, so I'm actually wondering why he asked. 

And now, here I am, confused, frustrated, full of hormones and romantic ideas. This is SOOOO fucking High School. But hey, I guess it IS actually High School, so...

OB: 

Fixed spelling/grammar, and slipped part of the title down into the text, because Young-Bradley made me cringe with that choice.

My First Post

Okay, so I decided to start a blog. I'm only like 10 years behind everybody else, but hey, what the hell? I'm not getting any younger. Okay, to be fair I'm only 18, but I feel like I'm 80. 

I want this to be sort of a journal. My handwriting sucks, and I severely distrust 90% of the people living in my household, so an actual, physical dairy/journal/whatever book is out. 

I tinker around with my computer a lot, so it's not the safest place to store data (I actually lost a whole bunch of "journal entries" that I had made a half-assed effort to do before.) 

My only other option would be my English teacher - who does this thing where she gives us the option to write journal entries in a journal, which we hand in to her, and she reads through. My problem with that is A) Obviously, that I'm still in the closet - with EVERYONE, so anyone knowing (especially a teacher - even one as easy going as her) would kinda put me in a weak position and B) My schools a really christian school, so I'm not sure how she'd feel about it, and it makes it even more dangerous to come out. 

Plus, I mean, it's kinda random - just telling a teacher. She's cool, don't get me wrong, but if I'm going to tell a person from my life about me, she's not exactly first on the list. 

 Not that they'll lynch me or anything..... Oh god, I hope they wouldn't lynch me. Nah, it's more likely to be a complete social isolation type of thing. Even the other closet cases wouldn't talk to me. They'd probably be afraid of being gay by association or something. Yes, it's that bad. 

 They're not fooling anyone (Whereas I, on the other hand, worst case scenario, at least have them wondering) but NO ONE has ever come out while going to our school. One guy, from my sister's grade, matriculated and (about 2 years later) can still only admit that he's "bi" because he kissed a girl once..... before going on to have wild monkey sex with his boyfriend. 

Seriously, barely any guys talk to this other guy, in one of the younger grades, who I think someone saw with a guy.... yada-yada.. or some other high-school gossipy-shit like that. I know for a fact he's gay, but that's a WHOLE other story, but I kept my mouth shut, so none of it's on me. Which, I think, was pretty mature of me, considering...... but that's still that whole other story. Remind me to put it down sometime.

Anyway, I need a vent, and dammit I'm gonna get one. So, that brings me to this. Plus, I've been so introverted most of my life, and now I think I'd like some attention - even if it's only digital. 

The catalyst for this lovely new little activity is actually just me reaching out and copying a TV character - Barney Stinson, from How I Met Your Mother (Awesome show, if you've never seen it, btw. Doubt that tho - it's like the new Friends. Then again, I only did catch on about now, and it's already into the 5th series.) 

Barney Stinson's a womanizing playboy type guy, and though it seems odd, I want to be more like him. Not the womanizing bit, of course. (In my case it'd probably be manizing, or something like that.) 

But I just love the way he sort of takes everything in his stride, and lives life "awesomely". Hell, maybe I'll even try to be like his gay brother (Played by Wayne Brady - who's also pretty cool.) 

But all in all, Wayne's character is a bit too smooth and charming. I prefer Barney. He falls down more often, like the rest of us. That having been said, let this officially be the first post of my blog. 

It's going to be Legen........(wait for it).......DARY!

Note from Old-Bradley:

Edited for spelling/grammar, and I've deleted a few minor things that were unnecessary and annoy me. I never did get around to telling the story about that guy. But I will.