I know the gay thing screws it up a bit, but seriously.... it's not some weird male/female mumbo-jumbo about how were wired differently. Maybe you just can't see how the other person is thinking, because you're attracted to them, and you don't want to know, unless it's good and it's real.
So this great, sailing-through the skies crush I have is not all it's cracked up to be. Mostly, it's just confusing. One week, it's great, and next week..... who the fuck knows? I don't even know if we're friends at the moment. He's full of shit.
But that barely changes anything, and just makes this feeling so much worse.
I've been trying to play it cool with him. I had a motive for the cold shoulder, though I doubt he knows it. Apparently, according to one of my loud mouth friends who cannot keep secrets, X complained about me.
Okay, granted it was a small and irrelevant detail, but I still felt really crap. This happened on a day when he was absent from school, so I had a while to seethe about it. And I decided to play it cold.
Okay, and I've also been wondering if the whole playing hard to get thing might be true. I know it's childish and "so-fucking-high-school" but hey, I'm new at this. And it kind of worked too.... well, for the first day. Or at least for most of it. He kept trying to talk to me more, and eventually I talked back and it was good again.
I mean, it's not exactly like I was blowing him off - I still spoke when I was spoken too. I just tried to put reigns on the 13 year old girl that seems to take over my brain whenever I'm near him. Speaking of that, my 13 year old sister has a crush on him. So I take that as proof of said hotness.
And now, that we established friendliness again, he seems to have gone cold on ME, again. I have no idea what to think anymore. Maybe it's just today. You don't really have to pay attention to each and every friend every single day all the time, do you? I have to kick myself out of the immediate assumption that he's gay and crushing on me.
But the thing is, even if he's straight (or, I'll prepare myself for the possibility, gay and not really attracted to ME) I wouldn't just move on and forget him. He's actually a great guy - probably the only guy from our group that I could EVER see myself being close to. I mean, obviously I'd be disappointed, but I'd still want to be his friend. And I'd hope he'd be a decent enough guy - which I'm certain he is - to actually accept me.
But still, I don't know what to do. I wish he would just say something. Or at least call me and try to do something. But, from what I can gather, he's even more of a hermit than I am. I know I should call him, but what the hell for? I'm terrible at making up excuses. And the last time I texted him (So I could get some program - that was the official excuse) he didn't even reply, which kinda sucked.
I just want to know him better.
People online tell me just feel him out about things like if he's gay, or if he's okay with it. But how the hell can I feel him out about stuff like that when I barely even really know who he is?
I just feel like the ball is always in his court.
I have this issue - sometimes I feel that people don't like me, and then I back off. On the upside, I've never been told that I'm an annoying person. On the downside, I don't actually have a real best friend at school.
So, I don't know. In an ideal world, we'd end up somewhere together alone, have a dramatic and slightly emotional conversation charged with subtexts, and he'd push me up against the wall and kiss me, and I'd kiss him back.
I kind of blame United States of Tara for this little fantasy. There's that bit where Marshall kisses Jason in episode 9. I know it's lame, wanting something from a TV show, but I've just been waiting so long. I really want that kind of totally hot, romantic moment.
But I guess that's just wishful thinking.
OB:
FFS, did I really make the title of this an Othello reference? Have I always been such a Shakespeare nerd? Also, fixed spelling/grammar, and minor word choice, for clarity.
I think the cliche you mentioned must be old enough that being gay wasn't in the person's mind that made it up. It should be more like "can't tell what the person I want to get closer to is thinking", since it applies equally to men and women. Men and woman are more alike than people will admit, since gay and straight relationships have the same issues.
ReplyDeleteAs I'm typing this response I see that you suggested that maybe you should just drop it and assume he's not gay and isn't crushing on you. I think from the standpoint that you don't want to not know what's going on, don't want the ups and downs, that's great advice. That being said, your final sentence sums up the futility of that with "it's just wishful thinking." It's really hard to just forget that person, someone you like that you think may, just may have some sort of feelings for you. If you knew for sure he's straight you wouldn't even be pondering on this. You might be sad about it, but you wouldn't have the question burning in your mind. In that same light though, you wouldn't have the downs of when he does something you think a person interested in you shouldn't do but also would miss out on the ups you get when he does something that seems to reinforce your feeling that he might be interested.
It's a tough road to travel. You don't want the ups and downs, but you gotta admit those ups feel wonderful :P And given that you don't know for sure if he's straight or gay it's nearly impossible to stop holding out hope that maybe he's on the same page as you.
You say he's a hermit, does he have many friends? If he doesn't then I'm sure he'd like to continue a good friendship. Why not give him a ring? There's no need to make up an excuse to call him if he's your friend -- just call and start talking if that's within reason for the type of friendship you currently have with him. Who knows if he's gay or straight? Don't let that be a reason not to call. IF he's gay then imagine how he's going to feel when he sees you calling him as he sits at home bored. And if he's not then at least he'll hopefully be friendly and you guys will chat about stuff friends chat about and that's it.
You mentioned that he borrowed your copy of FFX -- talk about that if he's still playing it. Where's he at in the game? Stuff like that. To be honest, I met my first and current boyfriend thru MySpace 4.5 years ago and I remember some of our first conversations were about that same game since I had just gotten a PS2 that Christmas (a bit late on the PS2 bandwagon there) and was playing FFX at that time. Maybe it's a sign! lol