Almost there...

Okay, so finals are nearly over. That's good, I suppose. I can feel myself loosing the will to achieve, if I ever had it, but anyway... 

Hopefully I can get back on track... 

Tomorrow though, I'm so not in the mood now. So, haven't really spent time with X in the last... oh, 3-4 weeks. Haven't really had the time. It's been good and bad, I guess. Bad because, well, the obvious reason that seeing him and spending time with him usually makes my day. Good because... Well, it's a lot more peaceful. 

Realistically, I don't think anything's ever going to happen with him. Life's just not that kind. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm having a minor existential crisis over here. I should go for someone available - it's just a tiny bit less idiotic. 

Which brings us to someone who shall henceforth be known as T. We met on a gay dating site, and we both live kind of close to each other - not close enough right now, because we have no transport, but it will be close enough when I get my car in December. 

But that's another whole big confusing thing... I'm not sure if he likes me. We flirt, a lot - but it's still just an online relationship. And I definitely couldn't be mistaking it for flirting - it's pretty clear. He's... very good looking. From the photo's I've seen anyway. 

It's just.... Well, first of all, he told me how he was so hung up over this guy... the details were a bit fuzzy, but still, I'm wondering if he's emotionally available. And also, he's... a whole lot more "experienced" than me (ie. I'm still a virgin and he's already done a 3-some with an older guy) 

And... there's one more problem. I'm not sure I'm actually into it. Yes, he's cute, and we have great chats, but you never know from just chatting. So now, basically, I have to wait to meet him, and worry about whatever will happen the whole time I'm waiting. It's seriously annoying. But I think I could like him. 

Hopefully he's the same person in real life, just better. He should be. From what I've experienced, if I only ever chatted online with X, then I'd hate his guts. He's a really lousy chatter. And T is not, so we'll see. 

In the meantime, I've got other stressors - the rest of my exams, plus the Matric farewell dance, which is a social situation (like most of them) that I'm thoroughly dreading. Oh well. 

 After then, Australia. Well, after then, work, saving money and then only 3 months of Aus. I'm going there on a sponsored VISA... don't know if I've already said this.... but it's better than studying. Everyone seems to know someone in Australia, that I must "meet up with" - it's weird.

I know 3 people that have told me they've got a friend in Australia - one to give me a place to stay in Perth if I need it, one to be my Aussie fag-hag (I laughed at that one) and one hot guy to lay me. Lol. I can't wait.

OB:

Spelling/Grammar/Clarity

I'm alright now...

Okay, I've been doing good, especially lately. Haven't been thinking about X..... much. Not lately anyway. Been trying to study - although that's not going so well, since I haven't done it in about..... Oh, forever. 

It's okay tho. I'm managing. Just a bit scared about Science - I've dropped from an A to a D in the last year. I'm doing well tho - making study notes. I've already covered 4 out of 10 chapters, in a few hours of today, and I have the whole of tomorrow to study. 

 Okay, I know it's going to sound lame, but X is one of the reason's I've been studying. For science, at least. He always asks me to help him with it, and I sort of promised him notes last time I helped him. So I'm hoping I can get him here.... 

Just so I can do nothing and feel bad about it. Sigh. Oh well. 

Something interesting happened today though. I played Tomb Raider, and I was thinking about this guy (another author from nifty) who lives in Britain, who I met a while back, who got me interested in the game, and then late, on Facebook, he started chatting with me. 

Well - tried to start chatting with me. I just missed him. I was looking at other stuff at the time. Anyway, that was just a fun coincidence. 

As for my plans for the near future.... they no longer involve studying in Australia. Luckily, they still involve Australia. So, basically, they no longer involve studying (YAY) For now, anyway. 

I'm going to stay with my cousins in Sydney (or jut outside of it, not too sure where - I have very little interest in geography) On a holiday visa, which is kind of crap, because it's only 3 months, but still - I get to travel, plus, now that I'm not studying anymore, I can go there solely for the purpose of having fun. 

Okay, and I'm off to bed, so I can be ready for my exam, and for seeing X again. Not seeing him for so long (because of spread out the exams are), and then seeing him come toward me today and smiling just made me feel.... AH! Frustrated and happy and goofy and confused all at the same time. 

 But anyway.... bed.

OB:

Spelling/Grammar/Clarity.

Not feeling to good right now....

I've sort of had a lot of "Oooh, cringe!!!" moments recently: 

I said something I may or may not come to regret, to someone who hasn't spoken to me for a while since. 

I'm basically just giving up on my IT project (which we had to make out own programs for) - and just submitting a half-assed program that doesn't even work. 

Oh, and, in WoW, my guild is kind of "on to me" - lol. That was quite bad. I've joined this guild, and I've basically been stealing from their vault (although, technically, I thought it was allowed) and the leader got pissed off and asked me to explain myself. I doubt I'm going to - that's their issue. 

I really feel no loyalty for a bunch of losers who play WoW... Oh, I suppose that includes me. I just feel really judgmental though, because most of the main guys are above 40. When I'm that age, I hope I have better things to do than to get a death knight to level 80... but ANYWAY... 

Other reasons I'm not feeling to good: X. Well, these past weeks have been great, but it's back to school, and back to our group of friends (A very motley crowd, and I use the term 'friends' very loosely) and X is acting like an idiot again, like he always does around them. 

On the upside, school is over - we had the valedictory service, and now it's just exams. We're officially done, and no longer part of the school, since all we do there now is our exams. Some people cried, at the valedictory. I had to stop myself from laughing when our Head-Boy (This GIGANTIC guy with a booming deep voice - very "FEE-FI-FO-FUM") burst into sobs in the middle of his speech. It was hilarious. 

Whatever - I'm cold and uncaring, let me enjoy it. I mean, even if I were... a crying person, what the hell is there to cry about? Seriously though, let's look at it: Change (as in moving on with life) - crying about change is a bit pathetic. Change is (mostly) good, especially if it's something as routine as matriculation.

Missing People - I don't know about the rest, but I definitely plan to keep in touch with everybody I like.... which isn't many people, but still. People aren't possessions. 

Anyway, brighter hopes for the future. I'm planning on Australia now, but for a studying year, not a gap year. Due to the shortcomings of my stupid F*&%ing country, I can't go for a working holiday. Which kinda sucks - because now I'm just going to be studying, and I don't think I can save up money like I wanted to, because all the courses are so damn expensive. 

But, oh well. I start exams on Wednesday, so let's hope I survive. Oh, and I've written a lot of stuff. I'll probably be able to edit it and upload it to nifty soon.

OB:

Spelling/Grammar/Clarity. I was kind of an asshole in this post. Although, if I'm being honest, I have more sympathy for the adult WoW players whose fun I was ruining than I do for the sobbing Head-Boy. Still hasn't let go of high school, that fella. But his emotional honesty was nice, if out of character.

Life Goes On...

I'm just sitting here, thinking about X, and I feel like I should cry, like that would make it better. But I don't really make a habit of crying, so.... anyway. 

We just spent the last 48 hours together, non-stop - barring sleep, for which we had different rooms. I went over to his house then he came over to mine. It was pretty cool. What am I saying? It was awesome. I had so much fun - even though I'm not really used to playing computer games non-stop for that long. 

But now it's over. I dunno, when I'm with him, I feel great. It's unbelievable. But as soon as he leaves I get depressed, and I start doubting everything. I blame primary school for this - it's left me with a whole bunch of issues about close friendship. 

I've been playing World of Warcraft - Yay, I can finally work in the "Deathsteeds" part of my blog name. That's mostly his influence, but I still enjoy it. It's like the Sims, with fighting. It appeals to both the control freak and the testosterone pumped gorilla in me. Plus, I'm a bit of a fantasy nut. 

Another friend has joined us though, and now it's weird-ish. I mean, I still like the other guy, and we chat online now too, but now it's not mine and X's "thing" anymore. I've made a few friends (WoW friends), and it's cool. One gave me lots of gold, coz I'm hot. Hehehe. OR at least my character is. 

Another one is from Holland, which is quite cool. See? There's something to be said for online gaming. X though..... I dunno, it's hard to tell, but on online chat it's like X is being offish with me, which sucks. Oh well. Then, there's still the crush, and that just makes me sadder. 

I mean, it's not going to end well. Unless something romantic and incredibly unrealistic happens and him and I end up together, I'm going to be the friend who lied to him. It's just weird. I hate keeping secrets. Anyway, life does go on. 

I'm definitely taking a gap year. Going to Australia, more than likely, to live with family. I mean, I'll have to come out to them, but I think I'm ready to do that. Or, I'll just.... I dunno. I guess I'll just wing it. Come out if it feels right. I'm not expecting any issues or trauma. 

America is still there, but now it seems like a better idea to go to Aus first. Life is good. I just need to get off my but, (STOP PLAYING WOW), and get the brilliant marks for my finals that everyone (Including me) expects of me. 

And definitely stop procrastinating. Yeah, that sounds good.... Maybe I'll start tomorrow.... or the day after.... ;-)

OB:

Spelling/Grammar/Clarity. Also, wow, clearly wasn't afraid to brag about academics back then. Although finals did actually go exceedingly well, so maybe I had a point.

*Nervous Laughter*

Okay, nervous laughter, firstly because I'm basically letting this blog fall apart. 

Oops, my bad. 

I had this plan to do like a weekly posting every Friday, and it's just sort of degenerated. I feel bad - like I'm the kind of person who only writes on their blog to apologise for not writing more on their blog.... which is what I'm doing now.

Secondly, because I spent time with X, and I do that A LOT when he's around. This friendship thing is definitely getting more embroiled. Crushing on him and at the same time and becoming his best friend is probably not smart, possibly emotionally destructive and risky as all hell. 

Does that mean I'm going to stop myself? Definitely not. 

We spent Thursday and Friday together - Thursday because he needed help with a project, Friday probably because he needed to get away from his psycho mother and needed company. And, as things seem to be going, we're going to be spending even more time together. 

Anyway, more nervous laughter because when people ask me what I'm going to do after I finish school, that's what I do. So far, it's a toss-up between a really Mathsy degree, an English Literature degree (Which makes more sense, even though I'm probably better at Maths than English, I like Reading and Writing A LOT) 

And, the third option is a gap year, possibly in America or Australia, which would be nice. I feel like I really need to get out the country - far, FAR away.

OB:
Spelling/Grammar. Kind of bittersweet to remember I had to choose between Maths and English back then. Two engineering degrees later, I feel like I can do both, though.

Oh my...

So, yay, I've got three followers, plenty of readers (for my stories) and a little bit too much advice.... 

Don't take offense if you have given me advice. It's just... that's not why I wrote this blog. Plus, I get enough advice from people I know personally, so... 

As a rough rule of thumb, Compliments about the story (stories now, actually. Yay - I've got my second one out) are fantastic, commiseration is great, encouragement is good..... advice is a No-no. 

That being said, NO progress has been made with X. I'm kind of an uber-nerd though (On the inside), and our science exam is coming up. Maybe I'll lure him to my house, with promises of knowledge.... Plus, he's kind of close to failing, so it's not like he'll say no. 

But, I doubt much'll come of it.... Unless I get him drunk.... but that'd be counter-productive for him, and I'm not really sure he drinks. But, anyway, dammit. My biggest problem is not just being able to ask him to just "hang out". I don't know why I can't - maybe it's my inherent character flaw or something. But I always need a "reason" for the two of us to see each other. 

Okay, it's not entirely my fault - he contributes to it too. And this "reason" is me totally shooting myself in the foot - I never know if he's there for the "reason" (Even if it's a semi-lousy one) or if he's there for me. I'm going to need to genuinely just ask him to hang out sometime.... If I can finally force myself to do it. 

Okay, that may be PARTIALLY taking someone's advice, which kind of steps on my earlier point.... but anyway. No advice. Grrrr.

OB:

Spelling/Grammar. Also, good god, Young Bradley, you needed all the advice you could get.

I just don't know anymore

This is going to be short and sweet, but I just need to get back into the habit, seeing as I've been neglecting it so long. 

X is weird as all hell - talk about mixed signals. I have no idea if... well, anything. If he's even my friend. Well, okay, maybe not that, but I can never be sure if we're close or not. 

Our biggest problem is probably that he's as socially awkward as me, so building the relationship kind of happens in jerks and starts. I don't know about my crush. 

Okay, obviously I can't just MAKE myself stop wanting him, but the chances are so slim that I'm wondering if it's even worth building myself up like that - especially when it plays jump-rope with my emotions. 

Another guy, a soccer jock, let's call him C, is totally hot. We see each other around a bit, but don't really talk much. We did university access tests at the same venue today though, and since we were the only familiar faces there, we talked quite a bit. 

He actually makes me wonder - we go to a very christian school and he jokes about being gay. Sometimes I wonder just how much he's joking though. What I feel about him - I dunno. 

It's definitely not the same thing as it is with X. He's hot as all hell, but we really don't have that much in common. When I fantasize about X, it's not just sex but more like soft kisses and holding hands and laughing together - all that romantic crap I usually scoff at. 

With C, the fantasies are just sex. Nothing else, really. See, that's when morality bugs me. If I like a guy and enjoy his company, then I'd be his boyfriend. But if someone turns me on, and I don't exactly revel in the conversation, why shouldn't I just sleep with him? Not that this isn't a moot point - I am still a virgin, after all.

Anyway, that enough for this post. Thank You and Goodni- err... Morning

OB: 

Got rid of something objectionable and stupid here, and as always, changes for spelling/grammar/clarity. Also removed the reference, but C is the basis of what's become the Jamie character in One More Year.

Perplex'd in the extreme

So, I don't know what to think. You know how it's a cliche saying about how it's impossible to tell what the opposite sex is thinking? Complete bullshit. I find it impossible to find what someone from my own gender is thinking. 

I know the gay thing screws it up a bit, but seriously.... it's not some weird male/female mumbo-jumbo about how were wired differently. Maybe you just can't see how the other person is thinking, because you're attracted to them, and you don't want to know, unless it's good and it's real. 

So this great, sailing-through the skies crush I have is not all it's cracked up to be. Mostly, it's just confusing. One week, it's great, and next week..... who the fuck knows? I don't even know if we're friends at the moment. He's full of shit.

But that barely changes anything, and just makes this feeling so much worse. I've been trying to play it cool with him. I had a motive for the cold shoulder, though I doubt he knows it. Apparently, according to one of my loud mouth friends who cannot keep secrets, X complained about me. 

Okay, granted it was a small and irrelevant detail, but I still felt really crap. This happened on a day when he was absent from school, so I had a while to seethe about it. And I decided to play it cold. 

Okay, and I've also been wondering if the whole playing hard to get thing might be true. I know it's childish and "so-fucking-high-school" but hey, I'm new at this. And it kind of worked too.... well, for the first day. Or at least for most of it. He kept trying to talk to me more, and eventually I talked back and it was good again. 

I mean, it's not exactly like I was blowing him off - I still spoke when I was spoken too. I just tried to put reigns on the 13 year old girl that seems to take over my brain whenever I'm near him. Speaking of that, my 13 year old sister has a crush on him. So I take that as proof of said hotness. 

And now, that we established friendliness again, he seems to have gone cold on ME, again. I have no idea what to think anymore. Maybe it's just today. You don't really have to pay attention to each and every friend every single day all the time, do you? I have to kick myself out of the immediate assumption that he's gay and crushing on me. 

 But the thing is, even if he's straight (or, I'll prepare myself for the possibility, gay and not really attracted to ME) I wouldn't just move on and forget him. He's actually a great guy - probably the only guy from our group that I could EVER see myself being close to. I mean, obviously I'd be disappointed, but I'd still want to be his friend. And I'd hope he'd be a decent enough guy - which I'm certain he is - to actually accept me. 

But still, I don't know what to do. I wish he would just say something. Or at least call me and try to do something. But, from what I can gather, he's even more of a hermit than I am. I know I should call him, but what the hell for? I'm terrible at making up excuses. And the last time I texted him (So I could get some program - that was the official excuse) he didn't even reply, which kinda sucked. I just want to know him better. 

People online tell me just feel him out about things like if he's gay, or if he's okay with it. But how the hell can I feel him out about stuff like that when I barely even really know who he is? I just feel like the ball is always in his court. 

I have this issue - sometimes I feel that people don't like me, and then I back off. On the upside, I've never been told that I'm an annoying person. On the downside, I don't actually have a real best friend at school. So, I don't know. In an ideal world, we'd end up somewhere together alone, have a dramatic and slightly emotional conversation charged with subtexts, and he'd push me up against the wall and kiss me, and I'd kiss him back. 

I kind of blame United States of Tara for this little fantasy. There's that bit where Marshall kisses Jason in episode 9. I know it's lame, wanting something from a TV show, but I've just been waiting so long. I really want that kind of totally hot, romantic moment. But I guess that's just wishful thinking.

OB: 

FFS, did I really make the title of this an Othello reference? Have I always been such a Shakespeare nerd? Also, fixed spelling/grammar, and minor word choice, for clarity.

So... I have this crush

On this TOTALLY cute guy! OMG!!!! Heheheh. 

That's not exactly the whole story, nor the way I'd express it. 

I'm kinda falling for my friend, who's recently becoming something like my best friend, and I'm sure it's not a good idea. Officially, he's "straight", but then again, officially(and at the moment), so am I. 

Let's call him X(For a few reasons, all personal, except for the one about anonymity), and he's mega-cute. Not your jock, muscle-man, model kind of guy, but.... definitely cute. Face-wise - Blond, blue eyed, great nose, full lips. Body-wise - Broad shouldered, average weight, pale as the undriven snow, strong arms.

Very nice combination, altogether. So anyway, I got back from visiting my dad for the holidays, and I was so planning contacting him, and finding some excuse to see him (We don't usually hang out that much). But, being lazy, loner, holiday-mode me, I didn't get around to it.

So basically, I found myself on the last day of holiday, still not having seen him at all, which kinda sucked. I had woken up semi-early to try and get myself back into my usual sleeping hours, and work out and maybe ride my bike along the beach. Neither really happened, so I was just sitting around watching pirated series' on my computer when X phoned me. 

He asked me for help with some of the homework we had been given (Yup, over the holidays. Harsh huh?), which, funnily enough, I hadn't gotten around to either. So, being just as lazy as him, I decided hey, I could help him, it might motivate me. It didn't, really. We tried, but we kept trailing off, and just talking instead. 

During which he said to me, that I was the only one of the group that he could really "have a conversation with." Okay, to be fair, that is very true. I'll talk about our group of friends at some later point, but trust me, the only one is spot on. I told him (I think) that he was also the only one in the group that I could have conversations with. 

It's pretty awesome to realise that though, and that he said it first. While were doing "science" (As he said to his mom every time she phoned him - which was a strangely large amount of times) it basically degenerated into him wanting to play Final Fantasy X, which he's never played. (I would like to thank both Square Enix and Fate here) 

So, during this, he invited me out to movies. To Harry Potter, actually, which he had already seen. First we got food, which was fun.... ish. I get stupid around him.... for obvious reasons. Anyway, I didn't make too much of an idiot of myself. 

So, we still had time, and we went to the book store. That was weird. He doesn't read a lot, but he was being so interested in the books. I wondered if it was just because I was there. I read a lot, and it's something everyone knows. He probably reads about 2 books a year, while I read about 50. So it seemed strange, like he was doing it just because I was with him. 

Anyway, We went to the movie, and.... it was great. I tried to talk to him a bit... and I did... but for the most part... it was Harry Potter. I'm like a mega-fan, and this one was particularly awesome. So.... it went okay. Like a movie should. 

For any hopeless romantics out there, NO, I couldn't snog him right there in the movie house. For reasons both of unknown sexual orientation and homophobic society, which I hope are self-evident. And, of course, I'd be missing Harry! After that, we went home and I thanked him (Maybe a few too many times, but I managed to make him laugh) 

And he got his stuff (Including the Harry Potter book I lent him - again with the out-of-character reading) and we said goodbye, and he left. At which point I found out my younger stepsister has a crush on him too, but she'll have to beat me there. 

Stuff has being happening at school too. Half the groups been absent this week, so he's been sitting next to me more often than usual. And at break the other day, he came to find me. Oh, and I let him borrow my copy of Final Fantasy, which he came over to my house and chilled with me a bit when he got it. 

In class today (one where I sat next to him) I was really bored, and drowsy. So, while the teacher was rattling off, I put my head down on my crossed arms. I was facing him, then I opened my eyes, and I swore he quickly looked away from me. 

I just dismissed that, but when it happened again..... I dunno. Then, at break, he asked me if I had plans for the weekend, and I told him, in not so many words, hell no. He didn't really offer to do anything though, so I'm actually wondering why he asked. 

And now, here I am, confused, frustrated, full of hormones and romantic ideas. This is SOOOO fucking High School. But hey, I guess it IS actually High School, so...

OB: 

Fixed spelling/grammar, and slipped part of the title down into the text, because Young-Bradley made me cringe with that choice.

My First Post

Okay, so I decided to start a blog. I'm only like 10 years behind everybody else, but hey, what the hell? I'm not getting any younger. Okay, to be fair I'm only 18, but I feel like I'm 80. 

I want this to be sort of a journal. My handwriting sucks, and I severely distrust 90% of the people living in my household, so an actual, physical dairy/journal/whatever book is out. 

I tinker around with my computer a lot, so it's not the safest place to store data (I actually lost a whole bunch of "journal entries" that I had made a half-assed effort to do before.) 

My only other option would be my English teacher - who does this thing where she gives us the option to write journal entries in a journal, which we hand in to her, and she reads through. My problem with that is A) Obviously, that I'm still in the closet - with EVERYONE, so anyone knowing (especially a teacher - even one as easy going as her) would kinda put me in a weak position and B) My schools a really christian school, so I'm not sure how she'd feel about it, and it makes it even more dangerous to come out. 

Plus, I mean, it's kinda random - just telling a teacher. She's cool, don't get me wrong, but if I'm going to tell a person from my life about me, she's not exactly first on the list. 

 Not that they'll lynch me or anything..... Oh god, I hope they wouldn't lynch me. Nah, it's more likely to be a complete social isolation type of thing. Even the other closet cases wouldn't talk to me. They'd probably be afraid of being gay by association or something. Yes, it's that bad. 

 They're not fooling anyone (Whereas I, on the other hand, worst case scenario, at least have them wondering) but NO ONE has ever come out while going to our school. One guy, from my sister's grade, matriculated and (about 2 years later) can still only admit that he's "bi" because he kissed a girl once..... before going on to have wild monkey sex with his boyfriend. 

Seriously, barely any guys talk to this other guy, in one of the younger grades, who I think someone saw with a guy.... yada-yada.. or some other high-school gossipy-shit like that. I know for a fact he's gay, but that's a WHOLE other story, but I kept my mouth shut, so none of it's on me. Which, I think, was pretty mature of me, considering...... but that's still that whole other story. Remind me to put it down sometime.

Anyway, I need a vent, and dammit I'm gonna get one. So, that brings me to this. Plus, I've been so introverted most of my life, and now I think I'd like some attention - even if it's only digital. 

The catalyst for this lovely new little activity is actually just me reaching out and copying a TV character - Barney Stinson, from How I Met Your Mother (Awesome show, if you've never seen it, btw. Doubt that tho - it's like the new Friends. Then again, I only did catch on about now, and it's already into the 5th series.) 

Barney Stinson's a womanizing playboy type guy, and though it seems odd, I want to be more like him. Not the womanizing bit, of course. (In my case it'd probably be manizing, or something like that.) 

But I just love the way he sort of takes everything in his stride, and lives life "awesomely". Hell, maybe I'll even try to be like his gay brother (Played by Wayne Brady - who's also pretty cool.) 

But all in all, Wayne's character is a bit too smooth and charming. I prefer Barney. He falls down more often, like the rest of us. That having been said, let this officially be the first post of my blog. 

It's going to be Legen........(wait for it).......DARY!

Note from Old-Bradley:

Edited for spelling/grammar, and I've deleted a few minor things that were unnecessary and annoy me. I never did get around to telling the story about that guy. But I will.